Lol there is a new meal at mcdonalds named the andrew johns meal it doesnt have a buger or fries all it has is coke and ice

OSHI now you go,.

Three men die and go to hell.

Satan comes up to them and says "okay, each of you have to spend 1000 years in one of these 3 rooms, but you get anything you want"

Confused, the first guys says "okay, I want to have lots and lots of women". He then goes into the 1st room.

The 2nd guys says "okay, I want to have tons of food". He then goes into the 2nd room.

The 3rd guys says "okay, I want to have tons of cigarettes". He then goes into the 3rd room.

1000 years later, Satan comes back. He opens the first door and the 1st guy says "I've had enough of women, I only like men now".

Satan then opens the 2nd door to find the 2nd guy is really fat. The 2nd guy says "I hate food. I never want to eat again".

Satan then opens the 3rd door, and the 3rd guy says "Have you got a lighter?"

OSHI

I have more, but i'm pretty sure I wouldn't be allowed to post them.

LOL OSHI NO LIGHTER NFOR 1000 YEARS ID ASK TO BE IN A ROOM WITH SOME WHERES WALLY BOOKS

Why did the chicken cross the road?

TO GET TO THE OTHER SLIDE! GET IT? SLIDE!

Naw Seriouzly

Three men went to the snow, and booked one room with one bed.

They all decide to sleep in the same bed.

In the morning the one on the right says " I had a dream I got horny"

The one on the left says " Thats werid, I dreamt that as well"

Then the one in the middle said " Well I had a dream I went Skiing"

NO BAD JOKES PLEASE.

I Know I Know!

A man is at a bar drinking, and an Azn walks up to him and chops him.

The Azn goes: " Thats A Tai-Kwon-do Chop from Taiwan" and walks out.

He comes in 5 minitues later and and Jabs him and says: " Thats a Jaunting Jab from Japan"

The man gets frustrated and walks out.

He returns in 5 minutes and hits the Azn over the head, and the Azn Faints.

The man says: " Thats a Krowbar From K-Mart"

ur momma so ugly not even metapod would harden

LOLWUT!

3 guys try and get into the CIA

They reach the final test, and the first guy is handed a gun and told to shoot the person in the next room. He goes in, and there is silence. He come back out shaking his head "It's my wife I can't kill her!"

The next guy goes into the next room, comes out crying "I can't do it!"

The last guy goes into the final room, and moments later several loud gunshots are heard. The last guy emerges and shouts "Some dickhead filled the gun with blanks, I had to beat her to death with the chair."

Your Mum is so fat she bungie-jumped and went straight to hell!

Yer I know, I suck at telling jokes so...

Diabound is good at Yugimonz!!

OSHI!!!

lol..

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are all stranded on a deserted island.

They find a magic lamp and a genie comes out and tells them they have 3 wishes.

They decide to take one wish each.

So the brunette starts off and wishes for a helicopter to come and take her home. Sure enough she gets her wish.

The red head now makes her wish and wishes for a boat to come take her home. So her wish is granted and she goes home.

NOW the blonde is trying to think of what to wish for and then finally says to the genie,

"I'm kind of lonely. Can I please have my two friends back"?

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!" The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old .............and

both of you still believe in genies?"

lololol

i got the funniest joke ever and if anyone takes offence to it i appolagize.
aaron barns good t yugoh HAHAHAH lol jks
OSHI OWNED

no seriouusly
your mum is so dumb she got locked in beds'r'us and slept on the florr lolz o yar wat

lololololol




Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot." I call mine "Sex". Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.

I said, "You don't understand ...I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."

And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog"

lol thats funny

AS USUAL I DELIVER

THREE MEN WALK INTO A BAR ONE DIES.

I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself

Chuck norris is the only person that can slam a revolving door.

lol that's bad

Dylan delivers.

Chuck Norris Went to The Virgin Island. Now its just called The Island.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight because the dark is afraid of him.

Chuck Norris Counted To Infinity, TWICE!

Chuck Norris Doesnt Get Wet, Water Gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris Was the only smart person that didn't date a blonde.

LOL OSHI

man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke. The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man, 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes'.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right, whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress then asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say

LOL!!

HI CHRISTINA!!!

Lol.

Okay:

Two women go to a party at a fire station. Later that afternoon, when they're coming home, they need to go to the bathroom, but they have no tiolet paper, so one of the women goes behind the wall, takes off hear underwear and uses it as toilet paper. The second woman uses a ribbon on a bouquet of flowers she is holding.

The next day, theie husbands were talking to each other. One of them said "Hey i'm worried about my wife. She came home last night with no underwear on".

The second man said "You think that's worrying? My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her ass saying "From all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you".


Another one:

A man and his wife go to Jerusalem with the his mother-in-law. While they are there, the mother-in-law dies, so at the local funeral place, the undertake says "Now you have two options for burial:
1) You can have her buried here in Jerusalem for only $500, or
2) You can have her sent back to your country for $2,000.

Without even thinking, the man says "i'll have her sent back to my country thanks".

Confused, the undertaker says "Really? well I thought you may have wanted to bury her here because not only would it be cheaper, but moreover, she'd be buried in the holy lands. May I ask why you don't want to do this?".

Then the man says "Well sir, a LONG time ago, a man was buried here and came back to life. I don't want to take that chance".

And finally:

A woman goes into a bar, already drunk. She walks up to the bar and says "Tenderbar, can I please get a Tinimar? Owwww heartburn".

Confused, the bartender agrees.

The woman come back to the bar again and says "Tenderbar, can I please get a Tinimar? Owwww heartburn".

Again, the bartender agrees.

For the third time, the woman comes back to the bar and says "Tenderbar, can I please get a Tinimar? Owwww heartburn".

Finally, the bartender can't take it anymore and breaks his silence. He says "Listen lady, first of all, it's not Tenderbar, it's Bartender. Second of all, it's not Tinimar, its Martini, and finally, you don't have heartburn, your left tit is in the ashtray.

When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is.Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
~~~
When people say while watching a movie "did you see that?".
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
~~~
When people say "life is short". What the hell??
Life is the longest damnthing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
~~~
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus comeyet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here?

Bored....

lol that is so tru

LOL!

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were camping when they ran out of food.
The brunette went out hunting and came back the next morning with a deer.
How did you get that? Asked the redhead.
Well, said the brunette found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the deer.
The next night the redhead went out hunting. The next morning she came back with a bear.
How did you get that? asked the blonde.
Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the bear, said the redhead.
The third night the blonde went out and the next morning she came back brusied, bloody, and clothes torn.
What happened? asked the brunette
The blonde replied, found the tracks, followed the tracks, got hit by the train....

Three men were on the run from the police when they found a barn to hide in.
One of the men found some sacks and all 3 jumped in seperate sacks and stayed quiet. Moments later the police charged into the barn and began looking around. The police saw the sacks and headed towards them.
They went up to the first sack and poked at it and the man inside said "Meow... meow.."
"Cats" said the police
They went up to the second bag and poked it and the man inside said "woof, woof!"
"Must be a dog"
They poked the third bag and the man inside said "potato, potato!"



HI SARAH!

umm no.

i got the biggest joke of all
john howard lolz
piss him off and i vote CRISPY for presedent

lol ive read these somwhere before..

There's more of them but I cant remember them

They are heaps funny though

I've read them in chain emails

Why did this first Koala fall from the tree?
Because it was dead.

Why did the second Koala fall from the tree?
Because it was taped to the first Koala.

Why did the third Koala fall from the tree?
Peer pressure.

Meh

3 guys are stuck on a mountin and they find a magic lamp
on rubs it and a jeany comes out and say you all get one wish ech
the 1st guy wishes to be off the mountin
the 2nd guy wishes the same as the 1st
and the 3rd guy being the only one left on the mountin wishes "i wish the other guys were here to keep me company"
lol SUFFER

Whats the worst thing about 4 emos driving over a cliff in a Commodore?


a Commodore seats 5







Do you no what the Etheopian Flag looks like?

No?

exactly they ate it

lol so tru

why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
to see wat was on the other side
lolz

we are all such cunny funts

OSHI we are like so wow

Suicide: The Final Frontier.

OMG like wow

2 blondes are drivin in their car. One looks out the window and sees another blonde rowing a boat in a field.

One blonde sayz:
Thats an embarressment to us blondes

Other one sayz:
Yeah! If i could swim i'd go in n get her!!

lol

ah the sterotype about blondes

Yeah... no offense or nothing XD

lol non taken i have brown hair lol wait tis black atm